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What is Good Sex?


Almost every adult knows what sex is good. It seems easy to ask this question. Nevertheless, when we start answering, we find that sex is related to almost every social factor we can imagine: religion, tolerance, traditions, laws, etc. In this work I made a little research about the good sex. I have discussed the interrelation of sex and gender, mentioned homosexuality and one sex, shortly reviewed sex laws in the Unites States, said a pair of words about safety and summarize the main parts of good sex.

Good sex vs gender

Starting my contradictory research, I’d like to separate the terms “sex” and “gender”. As all the sex-related issues, the question of common and different features of sex and gender is rather contradictory and depends greatly on cultural, religious and even ethnic peculiarities. Nevertheless, without the differentiation of these terms it would be rather hard to continue this research. Let us compare two more or less scholar definitions of both terms.

“1 : either of the two major forms of individuals that occur in many species and that are distinguished respectively as female or male especially on the basis of their reproductive organs and structures
2 : the sum of the structural, functional, and behavioral characteristics of organisms that are involved in reproduction marked by the union of gametes and that distinguish males and females
3 a : sexually motivated phenomena or behavior b : sexual intercourse
4 : genitalia” (Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary)
“2 a : sex b : the behavioral, cultural, or psychological traits typically associated with one sex” (Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary)
(I have omitted the first meaning of “gender” because it is related to Grammar only)
In other words, gender is subjective. Sex is biological.
Gender is an important area of study, besides, gender studies is also a discipline in itself: “an interdisciplinary area of study that incorporates methods and approaches from a wide range of disciplines.” () It could be hard to make a research about sex without mentioning gender. Nevertheless, I’d like to emphasize that this research is related mainly to sex, though it can have some indirect connections with the issue of gender.
Conclusion: sex and gender is not the same.

Good sex and sexuality

Sexuality is the issue of psychology rather than biology. It is the complex aspect of human “self” and personality of individual. Definition that was adapted from the Encyclopedia of Psychology by American Psychological Association says:

“Sexuality has three stages: Desire is an interest in being sexual. Excitement is the state of arousal that sexual stimulation causes. And orgasm is sexual pleasure’s peaking” (APA, 2010)

Sexuality includes erotic fantasies and experiences, desires and thoughts, longings and turn-ons. It is a great force, perhaps one of the greatest for the human beings. It is “the language of the body… oriented toward pleasure” (Robb, 1996) However, individual can consider as sexual different things that are not sexual in their initial meaning.

Sexuality is the thing that makes sex pleasant and attractive. General understanding of sexuality is to have sex when you want sex, and to refuse sex when you don’t want it. Every person has the right for choice and other people have to respect this choice.

However, this approach to sexuality is rather idealistic. In real life people often have to suppress their sexual desires to forbidden objects. Thus, sex with child is forbidden almost all over the world. Some countries as well as ethnic and religious groups forbid sex with close relatives, sex before marriage, sex with the partner of different race\religion\nationality, homosexual sex, masturbation, and so on. The issue of sexual taboo I’d like to discuss separately, and after the conclusion the research goes to the most well-known taboo of mankind.

Conclusion: good sex is the sex with desirable partner, which feels a desire to you.

Good sex and love

The differences of sex and love are the popular subject for psychologists and psychoanalytics. Sometimes their theories can lead them to the unpredictable height. It is hard to imagine, but Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, thought that person could hardly have sex with a loved one because it is connected with the attitude to mother. Russel Vanoy in his book “Sex without Love: A Philosophical Exploration” describes different attitude to love and sex for men and women:

“The traditional claim that females feel themselves degraded by loveless sex is certainly confirmed by surveys in my own undergraduate class, “Philosophies of Love and Sex,” taught to more than two thousand students over the past ten years. Nearly 80 percent of the young women in my surveys clearly preferred sex with someone who loved them. The young men, on the other hand, registered quite the opposite view; slightly less than 20 percent found deep emotional involvement to be of any significant importance.”(Vanoy, 1980)

The weak link in this logical chain is the definition of love. I remember the sentence from one fantasy book I’ve read long ago: “Love is like pear, it is sweet and it has specific shape; but who can define the shape of pear?”

It is not the secret the emotional part of the sex is more important for most women, though men usually take in attention the physiological component of sex. And that is why I think that people can have good sex without emotional intimacy, however the emotions makes good sex excellent.
Conclusion: good sex goes without love, sex with love is excellent.

Good sex and homosexuality

The issue of good sex could hardly miss the problem of same-sex partners’ attraction, or homosexuality. The advocates of biological approach to sexuality consider homosexuality as sexual perversion. In different countries in different times homosexuality was even considered to be a crime, thus, the famous English writer Oscar Wilde was imprisoned for this reason. However, recent researches proved that some animals (birds, mammals, and insects) display homosexual behavior. It is interesting that behavior of homosexual animals does not limit with sexual intercourse, it can include affection, courtship, parenting, and so on. Author and researcher of this issue Bruce Bagemihl in his book “Biological Exuberance: Animal Homosexuality and Natural Diversity” affirms and proves that sex is not for breeding only even for the animals.

“Many researchers have described homosexuality as something altogether different from sex. They must realize that animals can have sex with who they will, when they will and without consideration to a researcher’s ethical principles”. (Medical science news, 2006)

Bagemihl states that every species can display homosexual behavior, excluding the species that have no sex at all, like some sea urchins. Sure, his book threw a bomb into world community of social conservators because it asserted the naturalness of homosexuality in humans.

Returning to human homosexuality it is worth mentioning that the reasons of different sexual orientation were not found still. Despite experts agree that “it is a complicated matter of genetics, biology, psychological and social factors” () it was proved that homosexuality could not be the result of parenting, first sexual experience, and other well-known but mythological theories. In all cultures and times some people identified themselves as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender. There days homosexual people demand equal rights and fair treatment all over the world. They insist homosexuality is not an illness or disorder; it is as natural as to be left-handed. By the way, left-handed people were treated like abnormal in the past.

“Homosexuality was removed from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) of the American Psychiatric Association in 1974. Being transgender or gender variant is not a disorder either, although Gender Identity Dysphoria (GID) is still listed in the DSM of the American Psychiatric Association.” (Gay 101, 2010)
Conclusion: good sex can be heterosexual or homosexual.

Good sex and masturbation

Some social groups have taboo on masturbation. This taboo goes back to Bible times, when Onan, son of Judah, did not want to have child with his wife and he masturbated (Genesis 38:9). Despite this taboo masturbation is absolutely normal and healthy for men and women. Masturbation helps releases physical, especially sexual, tension, relax and fall asleep. Orgasms that you can reach with masturbation could be real painkiller. Study shows that orgasm can relieve menstrual cramps and ease migraines faster than medication. Even the risk of prostate cancer can be lower due to frequent ejaculation from masturbating.
Conclusion: good sex can include masturbation

Good sex and religion

All the powerful religions try to limit or control sexual life of people. Mary E. Hunt and Patricia Beattie Jung, famous feminists’ writers, write about sex and religion:

“Religions have traditionally been guardians of sexual norms and practices. Religious beliefs and practices vary widely, but they form an important resource when reflecting on human sexuality. Concepts of the divine and grace, rituals related to sexual initiation and childbearing, customs related to marriage and family, and views on homosexuality and transgender persons are just a few of the cultural dimensions shaped by religious understandings of sexuality. Indeed, patriarchal religions are infamous for their taboos and proscriptions with regard to women and sex, most of them imagined and imposed by men.” (Hunt, Jung, 2009)

The point of view of two feminists is rather biased, but it could be hard to refuse the importance of religious beliefs for sexual life. Religion is of one of the social factors that form sexual taboo. I do not want to be intolerant for religious people, so I put religion upper then sex in the list of priorities. This issue is very wide, and it concerns religious sexual education, the contradictions between religions and civil rights, and other arguable problems. Msot religions have their own answers to the question of good sex, and the only advice I could give, is the following: is the contradiction between your sexuality and your religion is unbearable for you, you’d better change either religion or sexuality.
Conclusion: good sex does not contradict your religion.

Good sex and safety

It is a paradox of our days: sex, which was aimed to procreation, became one of the most wifely spread reasons of death. Sexually transmitted disease can just spoil your life, force you out to visit a doctor and buy expensive medicines, and create difficulties in the relationship with your partner or partners. The worst of them, like HIV, can bring you to death with the long and painful agony.

Luckily, these days the various kinds of contraception and protection are available. Condoms, latex surgical gloves, and plastic wrap along with antibacterial lubricants can protect you if used correctly.
Conclusion: good sex is save sex.

Good sex and law

Sex crimes are the illegal forms of sexual behavior. It is a pity, but sometimes people do not want to suppress their sexual desires when another person rejects to have sex with them. Sex without the agreement of the partner is a rape; this is a universally recognized crime. As was stated about, the best sex is the sex for agreement.

Sex is the important step in the life of every person, but the first sexual experience is the most important because it can get an impact on all the future sexual life. That is why law in many countries forbids sex with child. In the United State people under 10 years can not have sex at all, people between 10 and 15 can have sex with people of the same age or little elder (no more then two years), people of 16-17 years old can not have sex with individuals who are caring for them or supervising them Child pornography (the pictures, photos and videos of nude or semi-nude children) is forbidden, too.

Child sex and rape are not the only points for sex laws. Sex with pets is forbidden. Incest is forbidden. Different states have different codes, and sometimes you can meet really strange law. For example:

“- Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between
members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown –
if they’re nude.
– An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from
having sex while standing inside a store’s walk-in meat freezer!
– In Oblong, Illinois, it’s punishable by law to make love while
hunting or fishing on your wedding day.” (Strange US Sex Laws, 2010)
It is funny to read these laws, but it is important to remember two things about them. First, these laws did not appear on their own accord. Each of these funny and illogical law appeared as the result of proper case. Think about this. If the law of some states forbids having sex with an elephant, it means that somebody tried to have sex with elephant.
Second, “dura lex sed lex”, or “bad law is still law” from Latin. You’d better study the sex laws of your state – just for case.
Conclusion: good sex is legal sex.

Good sex and publicity

The attitude to sex in the society is rather contradictory. From the one hand, most people like to speak about sex, to discuss their sexual wins and to demonstrate their sexuality. However, when they pass from words to deeds, the consequences can be dispiriting. Recent scandal around the Berkeley University is the sad evidence of this fact. I’d like to cite the description of the event:

“According to a Feb. 15 article in Berkeley’s student paper, The Daily Californian, a class on male sexuality offered by the University’s so-called “De-Cal” program (an acronym for “Democratic Education at Cal”) had come under administrative scrutiny after several students who had taken the class revealed that their classmates and instructors did quite a bit more than just talk about sex. At a class party thrown by course instructors late last Fall, for instance, male and female students were encouraged to take part in a parlor game that involved matching anonymous Polaroid photos of students’ genitals with the owners of those genitals. Later the same night, students and student-instructors (most DeCal instructors are themselves undergraduates) alike reportedly took part in an orgy. In a separate incident, a group of students visited a gay strip club as their final project and there watched as one of their instructors stripped and performed sex onstage. The final project, like the class itself, was for credit.” (Orland, 2010)

As it can be seen, our society strives to give sexual education to young people, because it is proved that sexual education can lower the level of abortions, sexual transmitted diseases, and adolescent crimes and so on. But the society demands from the educators stay theoretic. I am not ready to propose practical sexual education courses in colleges; however, it is hard to deny the existing contradiction. Besides, the sexual life has to be intimate, because when it becomes public, it can cause the scandal and even the lawsuit.
Conclusion: good sex does not need publicity.

General conclusion

Summarizing my research, I can easily describe the good sex.
Good sex can be with the partner of the other sex or the same sex, or even without a partner. It should be safe and legal. It would be better if your sex does not contradict your religion or some other important rules. And at last, the best sex it is sex with love.

Reference list

sex. (2010). In Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary.
Retrieved February 21, 2010
gender. (2010). In Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary.
Retrieved February 21, 2010
“Sexuality”. Psychological topics on the site of American Psychological Association.
Mary E. Hunt , Patricia Beattie Jung. “Good Sex” and Religion: A Feminist Overview” The Journal of Sex Research, Vol. 46, 2009. Retrieved February 21, 2010
“Gay 101” On the site of Kaleidoskope youth center. Retrieved February 21, 2010
“1,500 animal species practice homosexuality” On the site of Medical Science News. October 23 2006. Retrieved February 21, 2010, from http://www.news-medical.net/news/2006/10/23/20718.aspx
Robb, C. S. (1996). Sexuality. In L. M. Russell & J. S. Clarkson (Eds.), Dictionary of feminist theologies (pp. 257-258). Louisville, KY: Westminster John Knox Press.
Vanoy, R. “Sex without Love: A Philosophical Exploration” Prometheus Books, 1980
Strange U.S. Sex Laws. From the “Lectric Law Library” stacks. Retrieved February 21, 2010
Orland, David. “Sex for credit” On the Boundless webzine. Retrieved February 21, 2010